My Sober Self

How do you know if you are drunk? From TV shows and drama serials, it seems that eccentric bahaviour and weird mannerisms surface once a person gets drunk. So when you are drunk you will act weird. If you don't, you are disobeying the rules of life. Life says - once drunk, act weird.

I never believed that at all - until last night. I wouldn't say that I acted weird - I did not strip myself naked in front of everyone, nor did I try to kiss whoever came into my sight. No. I just laughed and talked. But, the difference between my sober self and drunkard self is the latter was more real than the former.

Once you drink enough to make your head weigh like tons, you are already towards a drunk state. The symptoms can be quite prominent - first stage is always a rush of heat to the face then a wave of dizziness hits the head. These creeps slowly into you, like a thief trying to rob you of your consciousness. If you let your guard down and continue sipping, consciousness will slowly be replaced by invisible steel bars.

Next stage towards drunk state - hammering in the head. With all the steel bars stored inside your head, it is a huge wastage if they are not transformed into something useful. Thus hammering starts. At this state of mind, you can't think. You might try to, but you would not be able to do so. To minimise the effect of all the hammering, you might as well sort the easiest remedy - not to think at all.

Thus, the so call "weird mannerisms" surface. You let yourself go freely - you start to voice your thoughts (deeply buried at the back of your head), you act as your mind tells you to or as you feel like (without thinking of any consequences), and either you keep the smiles on your face, laugh without knowing the real reason, or cry a sea of tears.

After last night's experience with the magical drink, I realised our drunk selves might be our 'true' selves. The world is a difficult place to live in, and to survive, there is a likelihood of us turning into cold and harsh robots with fake identities. We start to lose our true selves, or rather, more accurately, turn away from being who we are.

Last night, I kept the smiles on my face - which is what I seldom do when sober. The world to me is too harsh, and I enjoy living in the world of Walt Disney. I was more confident and so sure of myself when drunk - no longer a timid creature hiding behind layers of various personalities. I was even braver than usual and I ignored all sarcasms thrown at me. For a while, I never knew I was such a superwoman. I am actually the person whom I have always wanted to be.

Amazing.

The road to self discovery is truly amazing. I am glad my parents talked me into staying - thank you meee and dae-dee - I am now happily experiencing the wonders of life. And my dream is slowly becoming a reality.



(Photo taken from www.mangalocity.com/MangalocityNews.html)

Agree?

I realised that the most difficult task for us is the ability to live amongst ourselves and stay happy everyday. I know that I spend 3/4 of my life complaining about the unfairness in life which is usually caused by another fellow being. Just today, I realised that I am not alone.

My friend was washed over by frustration when her supervisor doubted her ability to work with independence. She has her own reasons to be angry - to her, the man unconsciously insulted her capability. The man, on the other hand, being overly worried about the progress of the project, has his own reasons to say what he had said - although he puts it together in a wrong manner. Listening to her story, and trying to be in her supervisor's shoes at the same time, it dawned upon me how difficult it is actually to get 2 people to agree on the same thing.

We all have different pasts and experiences to lead us to the way we are now. And thus, the underlying differences in our thoughts. Even for twins, who shares similar features, have a diversity in thoughts and personalities. Thus, unless there is a point of compromise or mutual understanding between 2 parties, we will always be falling into an endless pitch.

All this while, I have been learning how to feel for others - not to compromise nor to seek mutual understanding - but to keep my mind healthy. If I understood the reason behind someone's harsh tone or incorrigible words, it acts as an excuse to keep the rage from infiltrating my mind.

People can agree on the same thing - but it always happens after a long duel. Such dramas exhaust the mind and is unhealthy for a growing human spirit. I will feel cold and unwell while struggling and coping with these emotional stresses. Worse, I might even reach a state of depression.

I hate knowing when someone misunderstood my actions and words. My mind is filled with scenarios of me succeeding in making people accept my thoughts and philosophies - the more I yearn for them to happen and it doesn't, I resort to frustration. In the end, exhausting my mind and body, I achieve nothing except precious time wasted.

I learnt to let go of the struggle of proving that I can change a person's thoughts. I accepted the one of the reality bites of life. Rather than encouraging people to change for me, why not be more sensitive to the roots of their thinking and emotions, take an understanding approach, thus turning away from rage and free your mind for other important things in life.

Despite the many people I tried to share this emotional conquest with, it still boils down to the same problem - people don't agree that easily. It happened when my brother tries to persuade our dad into accepting the fact that he is not a doctor- material. It happened when I tried to explain my reactions to some difficult situations. It happened when my sister tries to make us understand why she had decided to quit school and start working at an early stage. It happens all the time to everyone.

In the end, although acceptance usually stings, the pain is short term and happiness eventually falls into place more easily. I want to be a happy person because I am living my own life. If I can smile everyday, why not?

Always look on the bright side of life

I am a pessimist.

For me, it is always easy to tell someone who is feeling down to look on the bright side; but when trying to apply the same theory to your life - it never works. Not because it cannot be applied here, but rather I don't know how to do so.

I remember reading a book that explains why we are always able to give advice but never able to receive them the same way. When God created man, he figured that it would be a good thing to actually hang an invisible balance of thoughts on man's shoulders. Thoughts of reflection of his own actions should be right in front of his eyes, so that man can clearly see it and improve on his behaviour. Whereas thoughts about others' behaviour should be kept on the other end of the balance - less prominent to the eye.

To cut the story short, a mistake was made, and we all end up having self- reflection thoughts kept away from our own eyes. And in conclusion, no man is able to see themselves as clearly as they are able to judge others.

I am always telling my friends under depression to look on the bright side of things, and events always happens for a good reason. But then I realised - the further you walk down the path of life, the more difficult it is to actually keep yourself happy and smile for the felt of inner- happiness.

It is always a good thing to learn how to view things positively and to accept changes without bearing grudges towards them.

I have already started the journey to this enlightenment, but fell out of the path since I've entered into the harsh reality of working life. Worth the while to find a compass to lead me back into the right direction again.

Wish me luck!